Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
