she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
