I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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