We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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