FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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