captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The uberlube is also flammable
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
