Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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