that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
