Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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