took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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