evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
