Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
