I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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