why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
