I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Pants are for mortals
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