What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
