Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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