I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
