I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
