It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
