So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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