I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
