If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
