My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Boobs are out for the taking
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
