i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
