dude i'm inner monologue high
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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