So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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