I want to stick my p in your. b.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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