I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
