Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
