ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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