i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
