Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize