i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
