I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
