So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
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