my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
