Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
