I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
is that a dick in a sweater?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
