Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
