It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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