Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
