Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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