Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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