I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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