Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
