No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
