where am i from again
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
