saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
