Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
