He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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