I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
