and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
