Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
