I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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