im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
