are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
