what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
