separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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