I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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