I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize