did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
