My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
