we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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