Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
